When “Entitlement” Is Actually Healthy
“Entitlement” often carries a negative connotation and is often thought of as arrogance, selfishness, and self-centeredness.
Folks often recoil at entitled people who have unreasonable expectations of special treatment.
But properly understood, “entitlement” can actually be healthy and empowering.
One can, and should, advocate for what is proper, right, and deserved.
But what does this look like?
Understanding Healthy Entitlement
Point #1 Healthy entitlement is based on merit or effort.
It is the belief that one is entitled to certain opportunities, resources, and treatment commensurate with one’s efforts and contributions.
This perspective empowers individuals to advocate for themselves, assert their needs, and pursue them with confidence.
Only children are given what they don’t deserve, and only immature adults, with a glaring lack of self-awareness, believe that they deserve to be given what they want without any effort.
Simply put, people must have a “nail on the wall” from which to hang that sense of entitlement.
In daily transactions, this is usually through money. I am entitled to this donut because I paid for this donut.
Now, consider this scenario: I’m trying to get rid of my old couch and am looking for people online I can give it to. A woman was interested in getting it off my hands. But then she said I should deliver it to her place since she doesn’t have the time to pick it up.
She felt a sense of entitlement, thinking she was doing me a favor getting the couch off my hands.
This is the wrong kind of entitlement. There might be a benefit to me, but she did not do anything to deserve the couch. There was no effort or merit.
In short, she has no “nail” on which to hang that entitlement on.
This is the reason why people ask questions like:
“Where did you get the nerve to…?”
“What gave you the idea that…?”
They are essentially looking for that “nail on the wall” from which the entitlement becomes justified.
Just because the other party benefits doesn’t justify the sense of entitlement.
Social media influencers who, as a matter of right, expect they should get free products or free meals because it’s good exposure for the restaurant have the wrong sense of entitlement.
For sure, it is in the power of the owner to give away a free meal, but the sense of entitlement for it by the influencer is wrong — regardless of the benefits to the restaurant owner.
In fact, in healthy sense of entitlements, there are rarely any benefits to the other party.
A student who feels entitled to a professor’s consultation time is in the right, even without conferring any direct benefit to the professor. It may even be an annoyance to him. But, as a paying student, she can knock during consultation hours and ask for help.
In the same vein, a person who feels entitled to a promotion does not really confer any benefit to the employer.
…which brings me to the next point.
Point #2 : The Effort Or Merit Must Be Unique To The Person
If you’re asking for a promotion, for example, which would result in you getting more opportunities, more resources, and better treatment than others, make sure that the effort and merit are unique to you.
You might think that you’ve worked really hard, put in 80-hour weeks, and brought in good results. But if everybody else is doing that, then that kind of demolishes all your arguments.
With your line of thinking, everybody deserves a promotion!
You cannot feel entitled to something when everybody else can make the same claim.
(Sure, your boss can simply give you the promotion because you’re the only gutsy one who asked. But like the social media influencer, it is not yours by right.)
That is why people cannot claim their normal entitlements in a public space. Everybody else has the same rights, and not one person can claim exclusivity.
That is why you cannot claim your right to privacy in a public place.
It’s a shared reality.
You cannot claim that “nail in the wall” when anybody’s coat can be hanged there.
But in our example, when you come to your boss’ office knowing you’ve brought in the most profits last year, or that you’re the one with the most experience and the best track record, then you have a much stronger case.
You’ve truly paid your dues.
I am entitled to this donut because I paid for this donut. And nobody else paid for it, so only I can claim it.
In a time when advocating for oneself is quickly labeled “entitlement” with all the negative connotations it has, people need to firmly stand for the things that they deserve.
Having these two filters can help determine if you’re in the right. By basing it on efforts and merits, especially when it’s unique to them, people can have a perfectly justified sense of entitlement.
Now…if only people would stop being jerks about it…
