The 4 Most Dateable Guys of 2020
As it turns out…it’s the guys you’ve swiped left on.
Good-looking, intelligent and rich guys who smell good are so pre-COVID.
Doctors with gorgeous smiles might feel like heaven. But this year? “Heaven” might be a possibility when frolicking with someone with an “Employee of the Month” hanging in an emergency room somewhere.
Lawyers are no good too. Trump has them by the truckloads, and they’ll all be very busy ’til 2022. Besides, they use the words “bargain,” “bar” and “party” in totally un-fun ways.
For his millions, the “trust fund baby” is having his slowest year. With cruises canceled and nowhere to wine-and-dine, he now entertains dates with sheer personality — which couldn’t be helped even with all the drugs in the world. She wonders, “How the heck did I get here?”
That said, it’s not yet too late. Here are the most dateable guys of 2020.
The Gamer
Flirting and small talk not required. Buckle up because you’re going to slay monsters, run over hookers and lay waste to big bosses. The Gamer will take you to worlds and universes where Giuliani doesn’t exist.
Before you know it…it’s 2021 and you just got pricked with the vaccine.
And, most important of all…he has good internet connection. ‘Nuf said.
The Nerd
Wash your hands of the jocks you’re used to dating. Trade the abs for the flab and you might just survive ’til the end of the year. You want someone whose medicine cabinet rivals the stockpile for the CDC.
He has superb handwashing techniques and can flush all that COVID misinformation out of your system. Run to his side each time you feel a tickle in your throat so he can say, “It’s the bleach you downed, baby.”
(Later, you’ll be pleasantly surprised that this modern Casa-“know”-va with thick reading glasses owns Apple stocks and some stake in the next great crypto.)
The Couch Potato
Move over guy-with-a-car. This year, nobody’s going anywhere. It’s the turn of the couch-riding slob with Netflix passwords to spare.
With the couch potato, you are truly in the presence of the Lebron James of mundane movie trivia and episode recaps. Ask him about “The Cosby Show” and he’ll tear up right in front of you.
Learn about true love by watching “The Bachelorette,” know about family bonds by watching “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” and believe in destiny by watching “The Price Is Right.”
Help yourself to chips, dips and Corona (Light!) on the table. Pizza is on the way.
The Mama’s Boy
There might be some stiff competition for the Mama’s Boy right now.
With the mama’s boy, you got it all made.
Think of yourself as collateral damage…but in a good way. By virtue of dating “The Son,” you get all the bountiful blessings from the Lord.
Want freshly-baked pies? Don’t you even lift that finger (You know, the finger you’ve got wrapped around her son?) Mama will slave in the kitchen for her baby. And you get to reap the fruits of her labors.
You need somewhere to crash and quarantine? Your boy-toy will only be so happy to oblige. You can crash on the freshest of sheets, the coziest of rooms, and trust that you’ll never run out of toilet paper. And there’s always somebody to do the laundry. (Just mix your undies with junior’s clothes.)
Before the year ends, get yourself any of the four: the gamer, the nerd, the couch potato and the mama’s boy.
It’s true what they say, “Don’t judge a book…”
In a world turned upside-down and inside-out by COVID…losers win!
