How To Win Every Argument and Alienate All Your Friends
But it’s gonna be worth it!
Let’s turn you into the argumentative juggernaut so your friends won’t know what hit them. We’ve scoured ancient texts (mostly memes), and even asked a few toddlers for their expert advice.
Here are the steps to win arguments at all cost…
Step 1: Speak Louder
The first rule of winning an argument is to establish dominance, and what better way to do that than by increasing your volume? If your opponents can’t hear themselves think, they certainly won’t be able to formulate a coherent counterargument. It’s basic physics, really.
Pro tip: Invest in a megaphone for those truly crucial debates.
Step 2: Use Big Words
If you’re not already an expert in esoteric vocabulary, fear not! Simply open a thesaurus and replace every word in your sentences with its fancier counterpart. Your opponents will be so busy Googling definitions that they won’t realize you’re actually talking nonsense.
Example: “I ardently assert that your argument lacks cogency and is, in fact, an egregious affront to rational discourse.”
Step 3: Employ the “Nod and Ignore” Technique
When faced with a compelling argument, don’t waste your time actually addressing it. That’s a noob move.
Instead, nod your head sagely, mutter something about “valid points,” and then proceed to completely ignore everything they said. This tactic is especially effective when discussing politics or whether pineapple belongs on pizza.
Step 4: Channel Your Inner Zen Master
For a truly avant-garde approach, become the embodiment of serenity. Respond to every argument with a calm smile and a soothing voice, regardless of the content. It’s a fact: people are more likely to concede when faced with an opponent who exudes an aura of transcendental tranquility.
Step 5: Utilize the “Well, Actually” Maneuver
Become a walking, talking encyclopedia of random facts. Whenever someone presents an argument, swoop in with a dazzling array of loosely related information that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. Your opponents will be so bewildered by your encyclopedic prowess that they’ll forget what they were arguing about in the first place!
Armed with these foolproof techniques, you’re now equipped to win every debate and alienate all your friends in the process.
Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility — or something like that. Now go forth, and may the debates be ever in your favor!
