“Alien Reacts” Series #74 —Going To The Gym
A stranded alien’s take on the human practice of going to the gym
[This is part of a series. If you haven’t, please read the backgrounder.]
ZOGLAR (the stranded alien):
Let me get this straight: you pay your hard-earned money to lift heavy objects and run on glorified hamster wheels?! You voluntarily subject yourselves to a symphony of sweat, grunts, and BO. Because it’s fun?! Because that’s supposed to be healthy?!
You humans have created an entire industry around this madness — having personal trainers who act as high priests of pain, pushing converts to their limits and demanding sacrifices of time, energy…and dignity.
These trainers become your overlords, happily shouting at and bossing around your senators, billionaires, and celebrities.
You’ve got treadmills that mimic running, elliptical machines that mimic walking, and stationary bikes that pretend you’re going somewhere.
And all the while you do this wearing a neon spandex so shiny it blinds the inhabitants of neighboring galaxies. No wonder no alien civilization bothered to make contact!
Hey geniuses, you don’t need a gym membership to lift heavy objects. Try looking outside and moving some rocks. Heck, try moving your own planet around, then we’ll talk about a workout.
Use that physical energy to build something real, instead of expending effort doing repetitive and nonsensical movements. (And yes, you can count beyond 8!)
Why lock yourselves in torture chambers in the name of health when the most healthy thing is outside? Where the air is fresh and the people actually smile.
