“Alien Reacts” Series #73 — Eating Out
A stranded alien’s take on the human practice of eating out.
(This is part of a series. If you haven’t, please read the backgrounder.)
ZOGLAR (the stranded alien):
Ah, eating out — the human ritual of paying exorbitant prices to have someone else burn your food for you. It’s a fascinating concept, really.
It’s like your species has collectively decided, “Hey, why don’t we all sit in a crowded room, surrounded by complete strangers, and have awkward conversations with the waitstaff?”
After waiting an hour to be seated, the snobby waiter hands you a piece of reading material that’s been purposely designed to make you look stupid. That piece of literature contains words you can’t pronounce, have never seen before, and will never say again.
Why name a dish “Deconstructed kale and quinoa salad with a hint of existential angst?” Really?! Can’t we just call it a salad and move on?
And the portions. These things never turn up just the right size, do they? They’re either so small you begin to debate, “Food or Garnish?” Or they come out so ridiculously huge…as if you and your date are on a challenge to see who can stuff themselves silly and leave the restaurant on a wheelbarrow.
Or when you’re out with friends, when the bill arrives, it becomes this math puzzle designed to test the limits of your friendship. You’ve take out calculators, arguing about who ordered what, and suddenly everyone becomes a forensic accountant trying to find the exact balance.
Geeez. All that for a side of fries.
Here’s a radical idea, humans: How about you save your hard-earned money, put on an apron, and cook your own meals?
You’ll have complete control over the ingredients, and portion sizes, and the sheer satisfaction of not having to awkwardly tip David, the waiter, who obviously thinks you’re below him.
